this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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