Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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