Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
