you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
