I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
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