hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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