my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My balls are so social today.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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