Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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