Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
