You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize