I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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