Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
