do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize