Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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