Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
