Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
