god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
