What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
