Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
