Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
