I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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