Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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