i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Randomize
