smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
