Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
