Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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