Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize