Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Do you have feelings for this penis?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
