i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
