nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Still dying that you shit outside
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
