Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
cat food counts as protein by the way
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
