My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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