I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize