Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
