I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
