This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
