I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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