There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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