Sry I called you an 8
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
