10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
