I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
