just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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