I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My pussy is not your playground.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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