i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
