At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
