My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
