So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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