dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We are all done wearing pants today
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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