I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
