Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
