The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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