Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize