I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
