i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I had to cum in my sink.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
