You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
