there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
