Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
